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Friendship

FRIENDSHIP AND LEADERSHIP

By Paul Hargreaves, author, speaker and CEO of Cotswold Fayre and Flourish 

It seems to me that friendship is becoming a lost art. Even the word ‘friend’ has been downgraded by social media.  But friendship is essential if we are to thrive and flourish as human beings – and as leaders.  

How many friends can we have?

In the 1990s, anthropologist Robin Dunbar concluded that humans could only maintain social relationships with an average of 148 people – this was the average size of the early hunter-gatherer communities.  His research broke down this figure into different layers where emotional closeness was considered.  The layer closest to us has 3 to 5 people, the next layer 15, the third layer 40 and so on.  This research fits in with the lives of the ancient mystics, who would have 12 to 15 disciples and often a closer group of 3 to 5 individuals within that number.  So, if you think you have a thousand or so friends on Facebook, you don’t.

Friendship is good for us

We know from our own experiences the feeling of wellbeing when a friend shows care for us in a difficult situation or the joy from spending an entertaining evening with a group of close friends.  Each person is different and there are introverts and extroverts, but our psychology is such that our wellbeing increases when we spend quality time with others and decreases when we don’t have enough of that time.  

So, having friends is good for us, contributing to our own thriving and flourishing, but, as a leader, should these friendships be within your workplace or outside it?  

I would say both create a healthy balance.  

Friends outside the workplace allow us to switch-off and not think about work, but it is also natural to form friendships with those we spend 35 (or more) hours a week with. There are workplace social events where everyone enjoys each other’s company, but one could argue that because there is normally not much choice regarding attendance at these, it is not a demonstration of friendship.  But within many businesses (including mine), people do go out for dinner together and do go on holiday together, which is a better indication that true friendship is at work.

Can a leader be a friend?

There was a time (in the scheme of things, not that long ago) when we lived in smaller closer communities. We worked, lived and socialised within a small area, both geographically and in terms of the number of people around us.  But increased mobility, due to improved transport led to some degradation of local community. These days, for many people, particularly for city dwellers, there is little community to tap into, except for the workplace. The office/shop/warehouse etc. is often the primary community outside the family, and unsurprisingly, bonds of friendship form where people spend much of their time, whether that be virtually or in a physical workspace.

It is only natural that business leaders form friendships within the workplace too. 

According to the Urban Dictionary, Friendship is when you love someone with every ounce of your being and genuinely want them to be happy even if it means sacrificing something yourself to make them happy.  Just imagine if a company was full of relationships like that, full of people whose purpose was to ensure the happiness of others.  We would have very different workplaces and many more successful businesses.  

Friendship brings success

There is lots of good data to suggest that the businesses with the happiest people are the most productive and most profitable.  Have a look at the Sunday Times Best Places to Work lists and notice how many are also amongst the most successful businesses in the UK.  So even if your only motive is more profit, then a director or leader being a loving self-sacrificial friend to others in the business might make good business sense. Although if that were your only motivation you would come across as not being authentic and you would be wasting your time.

What about a leader being a close friend to some of those in a non-leadership position in the company?  There are some who advise against this, but I believe there is a place for this.  A good leader will always be looking at where the next leaders in a business or organisation are coming from, and I think being a friend (and mentor) to them is a great thing to do.  Outside of work good friends will challenge each other when they have a different point of view and hold each other to account if they are not doing what they have promised to do.  How is that different to a positive accountable relationship in the workplace? 

Things can become tricky when decisions need to be made where favouritism can’t be shown. To avoid conflicts of interest when leaders have friendships, within my business all our decisions are team decisions.  I am the first among equals on the leadership team, but all our difficult decisions are made by the team, which helps avoid other factors getting in the way.

People trust real people and I strongly believe that leaders sharing their vulnerabilities with their team makes them a better leader and more able to be trusted by their team.  For too long leaders have not behaved like normal humans with real emotions and if people know leaders are people just like them—with fears, emotions and concerns—more trust is cultivated. There may be times when it is right to hold information back within the business, even from your friends there, but generally openness and transparency makes for a better, more positive company culture than when decisions are made in darkened rooms. Creating a culture of friendship within a business, modelled by the leaders, makes for a stronger organisation.  

Here are five tips, based on my own experience, to help you develop good friendships:

1. Reflect on your friendships. Are they nourishing you? Are you nourishing them? Count how many good friendships you have and write down their names and be thankful for those people. Perhaps give them a call or send them a card to let them know how much you value them. 

2. If you feel you do not have enough of these relationships, think of who you could approach for a glass of wine or a coffee to build a closer relationship. 

Don’t be afraid to look for new friendships within your workplace. 

3. Ask yourself whether there are any relationships that aren’t nourishing you and that you need to withdraw from. 

4. Don’t expect to form close friendships with everyone in your workplace. You aren’t looking to be besties with everyone in the office, rather you are aiming to develop a mutual friendship of both support and respect. 

5. Ask how you can be a better friend to others. Do you go the extra mile when there is a friend in need?  Do you want the best for your friends even when you may have to sacrifice something as a result?

Cultivate good friendships from among your work colleagues and outside your workplace.  These friendships will make you a better leader and a more fulfilled, happy person. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Paul Hargreaves is a speaker, author, CEO and B Corp Ambassador. He is one of the leading voices in the UK encouraging and inspiring businesses to make a positive impact on the world, strongly believing that businesses should be a Force for Good, which is the title of his first book.  

Paul’s is CEO of Cotswold Fayre, a large speciality food and drink wholesale business supplying over 2,000 retail sites in the UK.  In 2021 the company opened Flourish, its first foodhall, restaurant and home and lifestyle store.

Cotswold Fayre was one of the UK’s founding B Corps in 2015 and the company was named Elite Business’s No 1 in The SME Top 100. It has won the Lloyd’s Bank ‘Purpose before Profit Award’ and a coveted Grocer Gold Award.  Paul’s team of over 120 is constantly looking for ways to be generous and compassionate by putting people and planet before profit; this is at the root of the business’s success.

Paul believes that to bring the radical and systemic change required to reverse climate change and the growing inequality in the world a new compassionate, loving and servant-hearted leadership is required. This is what he calls The Fourth Bottom Line, the title of his second book and the name of his new podcast.

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/paulwhargreaves/ 

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@paulhargreaves636

Forces for Good book: https://amzn.eu/d/9S12bFc

The Fourth Bottom Line book: https://amzn.eu/d/etUjwe3

The Fourth Bottom Line Podcast: https://shows.acast.com/4th-bottom-line